To the editor:
It is with a great deal of civic pride and emotional relief to learn that our Big Brother to the north has reduced criminality to the point where He can export his gang-busting strategies to the surrounding areas to bring law and order to the lawless.
Thus it is that we see the New Ulm City squad car in Hanska, its warning lights of rectitude flashing as the brave officer cites local miscreants and other scoff-laws for high crimes and misdemeanors - most notably the failure to wear a seat belt.
This scourge has plagued our fair city for far too long, and we are deeply grateful for the care and solicitude exhibited by our Big Brother in bringing the Silver Sword of justice to bear on the criminal elements in Hanska.
We look forward to the day when, with your help, we will have wiped out crime and feel magnanimous enough to export our virtue to others.