To the editor:
This morning I went out on the deck to watch the sun rise over the river and it was beautiful. As I sat there the sky cleared to an amazing blue, the birds were singing, the flowers were in full bloom and my coffee cup was full. Ah, retired life is good.
Then it happened. A tickle on my ear. Then my other ear, Then in the remaining hair on the top of my head. The dreaded GNATS had arrived! I was under full attack! But wait, how could I have forgotten to apply my long-proven gnat repellant, the Watkins Vanilla Extract. I have been using it for years and it works. It also makes me smell like a cookie and the girls really like it too. In fact, I think that is what first attracted my wife and also what has kept her all these years. I was finally able to get her to stop calling me "Cookie" a few years ago, though.
Anyway, I?rushed madly to the back door trying to outrun the Gnat Brigade. The door latch hung tight at first but I?was able to get through with the help of combat adrenaline, and I?made it in to safety. After catching my breath I got out the trusty vanilla, put some on a napkin and daubed my ears, neck, hair and forehead, then returned to battle on the deck.
Ha! Victory! The Gnat Brigade retreated! It worked again. No more buzzing in my ears or eyes. I could finally sit and enjoy my coffee and listen to the birds. I started day-dreaming and then suddenly realized something that had escaped me all these years. It's a little known fact -?gnats do not like cookies.