NEW ULM – People who usually grumble about Mondays will have reason to take heart this Monday, March 17 when the Irish community of New Ulm holds its 60th St. Patrick’s Day celebration.

“The sunshine is always brighter and hearts are always lighter on St. Patrick’s Day,” said Pat Kearney, chairman of the New Ulm St. Patrick’s Day committee.

A full slate of activities are planned, culminating with annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade, starting at 5 p.m. at Third South and Minnesota Streets. The parade, Minnesota’s oldest continuously running St. Patrick’s Day Parade, will proceed the wrong way up Minnesota Street to the Glockenspiel, delighting spectators with its amazing collection of marching units and musical ensembles.

Marc Donnelly will be the Grand Marshal of the parade, accompanied by not one, but TWO Irish queens, Camryn and Ramsey Paulson. They are the granddaughters of Bill and Mary O’Connor. The late Bill O’Connor was one of the parade’s founders and for years served as New Ulm’s official Blarneymeister. Mary, for many years, capped off each year’s celebration by dancing the Irish Jig on the Kaiserhoff bar, a duty she has passed off to younger and spryer colleens.

The St. Patrick’s Day celebration will continue after the parade with the Gathering of the Clans at the Kaiserhoff, which is being renamed Collin’s Pub in honor of the day. Entertainment will be provided by the O’Concord Singers. And, for those who desire additional Irish culture, the Ring of Kerry will perform Irish music and dance at the State Street Theater at 7 p.m.

(Editor’s note: The preceding information is factual. The following report should be taken with a liberal grain of salt, or a conservative grain of salt if you don’t like liberals.)

The first St. Patrick’s Day Parade was held in 1965, organized by three Irish attorneys, Bill O’Connor, Terry Dempsey and Tom Donnelly, who decided the staid German citizens of New Ulm needed someone to show them how to have fun. Indeed, not many years after the Irish parade started, New Ulm dropped its beer-sodden Polka Day celebration and came up with the famed Heritage Fest, which continues on today as Bavarian Blast. The Irish in New Ulm are hoping that someday the Bavarian Blast will give a nod to the Irish influence on their festivities by scheduling a traditional Irish band to perform.

The St. Patrick’s Day Parade has gained some national attention this year. President Donald Trump is sending his Big Doge Elon McMusk to study how the Irish in New Ulm have managed to mount such a spectacular event with an average annual budget of $14.32. “They put on a beautiful parade and they spend less than I do on one of my ties. It’s so amazing, I don’t know how they do it.”

Trump has promised to change his orange facial spray paint to green, white and orange stripes in honor of the Irish flag.

There was some concern that the Parade may violate the President’s ban on DEI initiatives because the Irish welcome people of all nationalities to come and celebrate. But since the parade receives no federal funds, the New Ulm Irish are confident that they will be able to march on, regardless.

The Irish are also glad to see the Germans are following the Irish lead of being proud of their cultural heritage. That German pride showed this past year when the Germans hung a large Christmas tree upside-down above Harman Park. It is said that St. Boniface, the patron saint of German and “Apostle to the Germans,” used the upside-down fir tree and its triangular shape to demonstrate the concept of the Holy Trinity to the pagan Germans. The Irish point out that St. Patrick simply plucked a shamrock out of the ground to explain the Trinity to the Irish, but suppose St. Boniface was dealing with some more simple-minded pagans who needed a larger and more concrete example.

The Irish are hoping to hang a giant shamrock upside down in Harman Park for St. Patrick’s day, if one can be found that’s large enough.

The Irish have a variety of events planned for the day. The annual rope-pushing contest will be held at 1 p.m. in the amphitheater in Irish Park (German Park is being renamed for the day.) The 5K Irish Jig (Jig, Don’t Jog) will begin 2 p.m. at Hermann Heights. Sadly, the lack of snow has again forced the cancellation of the dogsled pulling contest between teams of Irish Wolfhounds and German Dachshunds.

Of course, the annual Hermann the German Roll Out the Barrel Barrel Roll will be held at 3 p.m. when Mayor Kathleen Backer will be sealed inside a barrel and rolled down the Center Street Hill.

There was to be a political debate between local Republicans and Democrats over whether Trump should buy Greenland or Ireland, but the committee failed to find a Republican willing to speak out in public to defend Trump’s policies.

The Irish are once again proposing several initiatives for the improvement of New Ulm. Now that former Park and Rec Director Tom Schmitz is on the New Ulm City Council, the Irish propose he head a committee to tackle the problem of emerald ash borers. It would be called the “Get Your Ash Out of Town” committee.

It is also suggested that the City of New Ulm save the money they plan to spend on rebuilding the Hermann Monument and instead replace it with the statue of St. Patrick that the Irish have been planning for years.

Now that George’s Ballroom has been demolished, the Irish are proposing that the new development include an Irish-American cultural establishment, Paddy’s Pub and Irish Literary Society.

Irish-German half-breed John Rodenberg has decided after years of inner conflict that his mother’s Irish heritage should win out over his German heritage. Charming the world is better than trying to conquer it.

The Irish again salute the incorrigibly German Don Brand, who preserved the continuity of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade one year when the parade almost didn’t happen. Brand, who worked at KNUJ, rushed to city hall to get a license and announced over the radio that the parade would go on. He has rubbed this in the face of the Irish ever since.

It is not commonly known that Brand is the inventor of the New Ulm Martini, a tall glass of Schell’s beer with a couple of olives in it. He invented this after going into a bar one time and ordering a martini. The bartender asked, “Dry?” Don answered, “No, one will be fine.”

The Done Nothing Award was to be presented this year to the City of New Ulm snowplow drivers, who had hardly a flake to worry about this winter, but the March 5 snowfall ruined their perfect record. The committee is changing the award to the “Done Next To Nothing” award. It is hoped that they won’t have to clear the parade route this year.

Once again, the heavenly triumvirate of Bill O’Connor, Pat Kneefe and Terry Dempsey have been placed in charge of the weather. It is hoped they will be able to moderate the temperatures to make the parade a success.