Over the years I have seen both good and bad marriages. What follows is a psychologist’s opinion as to a few of the factors that contribute to a successful, mutually satisfying, healthy marriage. There certainly are more factors that could be listed here, but what follows are a few that have clearly stood out in my work with couples. This is not an exhaustive list.

First, they have to be friends, best friends. They would prefer to do things with the other person more than just about anyone else. It is the pleasure of their company. What do friends and successful couples do? They do something to make the other person feel special and important.

They accept that the other person has some imperfections, but that is OK because they are both not perfect. They genuinely accept each other, appreciate each other, and encourage each other. Nagging and arguing are avoided because all that does is spoil things. If they make a mistake they admit it. If the partner makes a mistake, they try to make them feel better about it.

They will always do whatever and whenever they can to show that they really like each other, love each other, and value their company.

Second, there is love. I am referring to real love, not just romantic love like in the movies. They take time to communicate clearly so that the other person knows exactly how they think and feel.

They can accept differences in their spouse’s thoughts and feelings and can appreciate the other person’s point of view. They are generally concerned for that spouse. They accept the responsibility for meeting the needs of him or her.

They show respect for the person that they love. They did not marry their partner so that they could change them in some way. They want to keep them like they are and like them like they are. They also understand that marriage involves ongoing teaching and training each other to be their partner. They make each other feel good because the other person makes them feel good.

Remember that if somebody makes you feel good, you feel good about them. If someone makes you feel bad, then you feel bad about them.

Third, there is sex. They understand that sex in a marriage has a level of importance that goes beyond creating a family. Over 100 years ago a man named Pavlov figured out that if two things occur together over and over again each can become a trigger for the other.

For example, if you watch television and eat or snack all the time while watching, it does not take long for the simple act of turning on the television to trigger a trip to the kitchen for something to eat. This is called the principle of association or classical conditioning.

The sexual intimacy, pleasure, orgasms, etc become associated with the partner who is associated with those feelings. Each partner becomes associated with and can automatically trigger feelings of joy, delight, and pleasure.

Sex in marriage is an important glue helping to bond the couple together. Once again, the concept is simple. If you please me and make me happy I feel good about you. If you make me feel bad, I feel bad about you.

Every couple I work with, I try to install one basic concept. It goes like this. No matter how long you are married you should still treat each other just like you did when you were dating and you wanted the other person to keep dating you and want to be with you. This basic approach to marriage should never change. If that does not happen, everything mentioned above may spoil.

Finally, a factor that you can count on to spoil a marriage most of the time is drugs and alcohol. Those chemicals will anesthetize and put out of commission your rules, standards, morals, and the ability to regulate anger and aggressive behavior.

The chemical abuser may be expected to say or do things that will cause his or her partner to become emotionally, or even physically, distant from them.

— Dr. Joseph Switras provides clinical psychological services at United Health District in Fairmont to people age 5 and up.